What’s the Story There?

She’s tall for a troll. But she shape shifts so that detail might be moot. Sometimes she curls into herself like a cat, a dark mass on the periphery, ill-defined but ever present.

Her details are fairly spectacular. Her limbs are long but all the joints are outsized and arthritic. She has knees like a crone although she is not hunched; her torso is pear shaped and proud with drooping breasts and belly. She wears a yellowed undershirt and cropped yoga pants. Her resting bitch face is composed of a mocking sneer or a jeering smile, it’s hard to differentiate. Her crowded teeth have jagged edges that evoke eye watering halitosis. She looks like a smoker. Her skin is not blemished per se but a marvel of jaundice and rosacea, the dermis too thin to mask the blood and fat. She is an ironed Lucien Freud portrait.  

She’s the product of a hard life. She’s been bullied and abused, ignored and discounted; only ever seen for her flaws. 
She is the lead character in a story I’ve spent decades writing.
It’s the story of my life.

I’ve burden her with my shame, failures, fears, doubts and insecurities. Like a wicked step sister I keep her hidden from the world. I treat her like a troll and she plays her part with commitment and focus. She critiques my efforts and mocks my aspirations with hyper vigilance. She’s my co-conspirator in self sabotage. It’s a twisted symbiotic relationship. There are whole chapters more improvised than structured.
It’s time for a plot twist. 

Despite my best intentions at re-writes I’ve unintentionally aborted prior attempts so we have some trust issues. I didn’t even name her until last year. But Judy Jae is ready. Maybe it’s the time we’ve spent together during the pandemic. Maybe it’s Mercury Retrograde or that we’re in a month with a Blue Moon, but Judy Jae is ready to come out of the shadows. She’s ready to transition from critic to ally. She’s ready to grow up. In someone else’s story Judy Jae might be called the inner child, the inner critic or the shadow.

She’s a formidable force despite being battered for so long. Her resilience leaves me awestruck. I am stunned at how little I’ve appreciated her strength. No matter how many times she’s been down she’s never tapped out. I have incredible respect for her but I still have to earn hers. I’ve abandoned her so many times she’s skittish with me. She knows how little I’ve trusted myself so she’s justifiably wary. I have to take the lead and trust she follows. Lead with love the muse says.
Love is the strongest emotion and I want a strong third act. I don’t need to change Judy Jae, just the filter I’ve watched her through. My perspective was poisoned by those dopey dwarfs Fear, Insecurity, Shame, Loneliness, Hurt, Trauma and Judgement. But it’s never too late for revisions. Judy Jae will evolve with love.

#lovewins #write the change you want to see in your life.