“The best thing, though, in that museum was that everything always stayed right where it was. Nobody’d move. You could go there a hundred thousand times.. Nobody’d be different. The only thing that would be different would be you. Not that you’d be so much older or anything. It wouldn’t be that, exactly. You’d just be different, that’s all.” ~ J.D. Salinger
I had a spasm of nostalgia recently and reread The Catcher in the Rye. Maybe it was more of an itch than a spasm. I don’t remember much about the experience the first time I read it. I remember not getting what all the fuss was about, but I enjoyed it just fine. Of course I’m different now. I can appreciate all that “goddam” cussing and the shock of this crazy teenager in 1951.
We’re always changing and evolving. Sometimes change is specific and purposeful, like when I started smoking cigarettes or gave up eating meat. Both were acts of rebellion. But sometimes change sneaks up on you, like when I transitioned from rebellious teen to addicted smoker. It just happened. One day “smoker” became part of my identity but reversing that would take a much more conscientious effort.
When I started out as an actress I identified a lot with Geena Davis because she was tall and quirky. I adopted a certain goofiness to offset my intimidating height. At my first theater audition they told me I had a weak voice. When did that happen? I was the loud one in my family; my controls didn’t come with a ‘whisper’ setting. Again, I don’t know when it happened but my inner perception was out of sync with my public persona.
Great acting teachers will tell you that the deeper your know your self, the deeper your work as a performer will be – the craft of acting is not to put on a persona, but to reveal a truthful character. Know thyself, universally beneficial advice regardless of vocation.
A couple of years ago a friend approached me to help out on their web series. But there wasn’t a role for me. What skills and knowledge could I contribute? I ended up as one of the producers. Awkward and faltering are still part of my self-definition but somewhere along the way I had evolved from Accidental Tourist to Commander-in-Chief. I’m still exploring and editing my self-definition, it’s different every time I look.
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