Looking Back

Twenty nine years ago this week I walked into a room in the subterranean space at 50th and 8th that is Circle in the Square Theatre School, and performed my monologue for admission. I remember a small grey space and a conference table seated with three auditors. The monologue was Lila from A Loss of Roses by William Inge.

I remember my first day of school. Mother took me by the hand and I carried a fresh bouquet of roses too.

I discovered the monologue in an acting class with Carol Rosenfeld of HB Studios. She had come to Toronto to teach at CAST while I was exploring classes as I figured out my transition from modeling. That class cemented two things; I was committed to being an actor and I wanted to study in New York City. 

I took my seat with all the other kids their faces so strange and new to me…

The most impressive lesson I learned in that summer intensive was that acting is revealing. There’s a temptation to get lost in the affectations and accents, the costumes and ticks; but the job of acting is about getting to the core of the character. Actors are simultaneously master and student of human behaviour. Before we can say the words we have to know why we say the words. That’s the wonder for the artist. The revelation of why humans do the things we do. 

I didn’t know it was against the rules. But teacher came back and slapped me so hard I cried…I told teacher I wanted back my roses but she wouldn’t give them to me. She shook her finger and said when I gave away lovely presents I couldn’t expect to get them back.

Lila’s monologue was a staple of my audition pieces, and working on it was always heartbreaking. I discovered a new layer of betrayal and loss each time. In the end Lila is abused and suicidal, clutching a bouquet of thorns on the threshold of a new betrayal. To do the speech justice I’d have to visit my own betrayals and loss. It’s a tricky thing to do in a healthy way. Self knowledge is an actor’s greatest resource and greatest refuge. The more I know, the more I grow. And the biggest catalyst to growth is curiosity. What happens next?

I guess I never learned that lesson very well. There’s still so many things I still want back.

The trick of acting is to not fall into the trap of playing a victim. I’ve definitely tripped a few times. But in art as in life, I pick myself up and carry on. I learn from my mistakes. I stay curious. I wonder, what if? When I look at that last line today I think there’s an argument to be made that Lila’s rejecting Teacher’s lesson. Maybe she’s going to tell Ricky (the abusive boyfriend she’s waiting for) to fuck off. That’s the choice I’d make today. And then I’d go out and get those things I still want.