My bank offered me a line of credit last week. There was a small questionnaire that’s usually a minor formality but because I answer yes that someone in my family had been diagnosed with cancer before the age of sixty a follow-up interview was necessary.
And so we begin. Last Doctor’s visit? A year ago. What was the reason? Just a routine check up. Any tests taken? Just regular blood tests. I continue to give her my medical history question by question so she can cobble together a picture of my healthiness and worthiness. Eventually she gets to the question that instigated this follow-up interview. And we’re off. Is your mother still alive? (I hadn’t expected it so soon, usually they want to know what kind of cancer) No. How old was she when she died? 60. (There’s a subtle tightening in my chest, “Be prepared” a voice says.) What was the cause of death? (Whoa. The questions are so abrupt and direct. This is a complicated answer.) Cause of death was listed as heart failure. Did she have heart issues? (Wha? I just told you she had cancer.) No. Was the heart failure cancer related? No, wait, listen. She was DNR, she was Do Not Resuscitate she had other issues, Heart failure was the listed cause of death because she was DNR. (I’m flustered and I’m not being clear. I want to be clear.) Were the other issues cancer related? (Breathe) Yes, the Cancer impacted her overall health creating other issues. Ok I’ll just put that it was Cancer related. (Her efficient simplicity irks me.) At what age was she diagnosed? Forty-five, forty-six. (I know the answer, but an air of vagueness keeps the reality at bay. This not the time for emotions.) What kind of cancer was it? Multiple Myeloma. Okay, I have a few lifestyle questions for you now. (Wait that’s it? Don’t you want to know more? Most people have never heard of this kind of cancer. How can you not have more questions? You’ve only just begun to ask the questions that will flesh out this generic Mother you have circled on your questionnaire. You’ve only just begun to bring her to life again, and you’re ready to move on? There are so many more questions. And answers that would let you know how valiantly she fought for fifteen years. But then she got tired. That’s why she asked for the DNR on her chart. She got tired of the hospitals, the drugs, the poking and prodding and needles and blood tests and the ever lessening quality of life. She had a strong heart for a long time. But even the strong will get tired.
The questionnaire continued. I strived to be thorough and clear with my answers. I needed the picture painted to be truly representative. She would know my mother was a good woman through her progeny.
I forgot the ultimate purpose of the call was to confirm my eligibility for a Line of Credit. I have no idea if I helped or hindered my case. One little detail can derail the best intentions. The distractions come suddenly and without warning, then poof, I’m in a melancholy landscape, reminiscing and remembering. These are the little details of grief.
2 Comments
Gabby Angel · November 9, 2011 at 12:52 AM
I stumbled upon your blog while reading the Memories section. I am so very sorry to hear you lost your Mother to Multiple Myeloma. Sadly, I lost my husband and my Dad both to this evil cancer. I hadn’t heard of it until 1998 when my husband was diagnosed, I quickly educated myself. My Dad was diagnosed in 2000, they passed away 40 days apart in 2003. So many things you wrote, I clearly identified with. Not the bank representative, what a horrible thing to put you through. You will stay in my thoughts and prayers, it’s so difficult this business of grieving. Take Care and God Bless.
kspace33 · November 9, 2011 at 9:28 AM
Thank you so much for your comment. I’m new to the world of blogging but sharing my grief publicly seemed a cathartic and healing thing to do… for myself and hopefully others.
We all welcome the feeling of connection, especially with the more difficult life details. Thank you for making contact. peace and blessings.