my settings are off. there’s been a universal shift, imperceptible to the eye. random passersby are oblivious. even acquaintances remain unknowing until i verbalize the details in answer to “what’s new?”. is it still new? it’s three wednesdays since his last breath. is that a lot of time or a little? ah, the relativity of time… as it passes it shifts, and it can only become relatively smaller and smaller as time passes. but right now “it” is still huge.
i knew wednesday was on the way. she’s tuesday’s shadow. she came and she gave me a hard cold glare somewhere in the middle of the day but my focus was elsewhere. that was the problem, i didn’t have my focus. i had lost my focus and was looking for it. i needed to find it. i knew it was wednesday and there were commitments. i attended to the pressing matters, like the things i get paid to do, the things that keep others safe, nourished and taken care of, but without focus the other commitments eluded me. eventually, wednesday went on her mirthless way, without me ever picking up my cue.
i didn’t intend any harm, i didn’t mean to renege on an agreement. i just ran out of steam. juice. energy. ojas. chi. how many words for energy/life force/essence are there? right now i’m subsisting on rations – there’s only so much for a day because my tumorous grief feeds constantly. it’s like a switch left on when the bulb has blown, or when the phone-less charger remains connected to the outlet. phantom energy drains they’re called. random thoughts are like that. there are so many random thoughts hijacking the brain these days, memories mostly. but i will be vigilant with the energy vampires. i will strive for balance. i recognize that the shift creates a chain reaction. boundaries will shift and days will merge into one another and intentions set on a wednesday may not materialize ’til the wee hours of a thursday, which is technically a friday. i’m shifting gears as the course demands.
this is the fantastic challenge. to carry on, as if it were as simple as shifting a gear and carrying on.
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